Disassociation

Recently I’ve been having a crisis of confidence. Or at least that’s what I’m calling it.

I’ve never been confident. Why I ever thought a performance art degree was a good idea is beyond me. I loved every second of it right up until each time I had to perform, at which point I would feel so nauseous that I was sure I’d faint. I never did though and a few minutes into each performance I would feel my confidence growing.

As an adult, I’ve worked hard at ‘being confident’ which is kind of a strange notion to me. It suggests an element of performance or pretending. That’s largely how I’ve gone about my life the last 5 years since becoming a parent. I moved to a new town, 200 miles from family and friends with a baby and a husband that worked away and had to practise ‘being confident’ in order that I didn’t spend my days totally alone and isolated. I needed to go out into the world and meet people, to build a community, and so that’s just what I did.

Slowly and tentatively, I put on my brave face and would try to force roots down in an unfamiliar place and as time went on I got better at seeming confident. Or rather, I’m better at not coming across as shy as I actually am.

When Posey was born I felt my confidence burst open. In many respects I became much more confident than I had ever been but on a personal level, at home with The Bearded Manc, my confidence has slowly dissipated down to almost nothing.

It’s partly money worries, partly due to my insomnia and there’s obviously body confidence issues too- which is strange to me because that’s entirely at odds with how I feel about what my body has achieved and I’ve never been someone bogged down by worries over weight or shape or stretch marks. I’m still not. I’ve been a 6 and now I’m bordering a 16 but that’s not the issue. You can be a 16 and healthy or a size 8 and unhealthy. Size alone isn’t a good indicator of health.

It’s so hard to articulate what’s happening in my brain but it feels like a kind of disassociation (cue all those clever folks explaining the correct usage of disassociation, clinically). That’s the only way I can put it. I feel that my body (or perhaps it’s my brain) isn’t working right and we’ve somehow lost a connection which in turn affects my place in the world.

I’m not sure what the answer is. Better sleep, more excerise and more fruit and veg seems like a good place to start but beyond that I’m stumped, so fingers crossed a few small lifestyle changes works.

Have you had to have a serious talk with yourself? If so, how did you reconnect? What tips do you have for me?

10 thoughts on “Disassociation

  1. I think your always to hard on yourself you look beautiful and always have, your kind honest helpful loving caring thoughtful giving I could go on , oh good mum wife that takes hard work so well done you. ❤

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  2. Aww you are a wonderful person Although your a shy person (at times) You don’t come across as someone who is shy or lacks confidence either, I love the way that you throw yourself into your brilliant ideas. Mumdays etc. most of our lives we have to take a deep breath and go for it. When we have children we have to doubly ooze confidence to show them that THEY can do, be anything they want to ….
    your doing a great job at that your Bear and Bunny are two very lucky babies to have you showing them the way. It’s tough but your doing it 🥰Xxx

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  3. Fresh air, exercise and healthy eating are excellent places to start. Also perhaps make sure you’re taking a multivitamin too as so many of us are Vitamin D deficient at this time of the year with the poor light and that can create some of the symptoms you’re describing too. Probiotics could also help balance things out too which might help you to sleep better. Sending lots of love your way. x

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  4. You’ve followed a very similar life journey to me (minus the performing arts) so I can very much relate. For me, blogging gave me confidence but I’d still get nervous at every event, especially ones I hosted. The build up would fill me with dread and anxiety but once the event was happening, I’d relish it (I get my energy from others). It’s such a tough balance and I regularly have to have a chat with myself about it! I found a new sense of confidence when I had kids, in myself and my body – my priorities shifted I guess. But I regularly have crisis of confidence and just have to remind myself of all the good things I’ve achieved and that I’m doing! X

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    • Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment. Having kids has made me so much more confident in many ways but less in others. It’s strange. I too feed off of other people’s energy which is something I’ve only just realised while reading your comment.

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  5. Hi there… rest has to be the starting point. Sleep is underrated but can lead to lots and lots of issues. You talk of insomnia… is this recent or did you have this prior to becoming a mum? Second, hydration. Do you drink water and enough? We can get crazy dehydrated in winter due to central heating and because we’re not sweating we don’t take enough in. Thirdly, food… eating lots of veggies – at least 50% of your plate each mealtime should be veggie based. And finally, exercise… this could be as simple as going outside for a daily walk, some gentle yoga or a structured workout routine. This will give you some feel-good endorphins. I’d also recommend getting your thyroid checked if you haven’t already…. as someone who is hypothyroid, if I’m not on top if my meds I am completely off centre. Hope you feel back to yourself soon xx

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    • I absolutely think a lack of quality sleep is the biggest hurdle and it’s not because the kids are up in the night as they aren’t. I’ve always been a poor sleeper but I’m stuck in a particularly bad rut with it at the moment. I do need more water but I eat tons of veg and walk everywhere as I don’t drive but I am going to concentrate on upping my water intake and getting a vitamin D supplement. Hopefully that’ll be a good start. Thank you so much for your comment.

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