Recently I’ve been having a crisis of confidence. Or at least that’s what I’m calling it.
I’ve never been confident. Why I ever thought a performance art degree was a good idea is beyond me. I loved every second of it right up until each time I had to perform, at which point I would feel so nauseous that I was sure I’d faint. I never did though and a few minutes into each performance I would feel my confidence growing.
As an adult, I’ve worked hard at ‘being confident’ which is kind of a strange notion to me. It suggests an element of performance or pretending. That’s largely how I’ve gone about my life the last 5 years since becoming a parent. I moved to a new town, 200 miles from family and friends with a baby and a husband that worked away and had to practise ‘being confident’ in order that I didn’t spend my days totally alone and isolated. I needed to go out into the world and meet people, to build a community, and so that’s just what I did.
Slowly and tentatively, I put on my brave face and would try to force roots down in an unfamiliar place and as time went on I got better at seeming confident. Or rather, I’m better at not coming across as shy as I actually am.
When Posey was born I felt my confidence burst open. In many respects I became much more confident than I had ever been but on a personal level, at home with The Bearded Manc, my confidence has slowly dissipated down to almost nothing.
It’s partly money worries, partly due to my insomnia and there’s obviously body confidence issues too- which is strange to me because that’s entirely at odds with how I feel about what my body has achieved and I’ve never been someone bogged down by worries over weight or shape or stretch marks. I’m still not. I’ve been a 6 and now I’m bordering a 16 but that’s not the issue. You can be a 16 and healthy or a size 8 and unhealthy. Size alone isn’t a good indicator of health.
It’s so hard to articulate what’s happening in my brain but it feels like a kind of disassociation (cue all those clever folks explaining the correct usage of disassociation, clinically). That’s the only way I can put it. I feel that my body (or perhaps it’s my brain) isn’t working right and we’ve somehow lost a connection which in turn affects my place in the world.
I’m not sure what the answer is. Better sleep, more excerise and more fruit and veg seems like a good place to start but beyond that I’m stumped, so fingers crossed a few small lifestyle changes works.
Have you had to have a serious talk with yourself? If so, how did you reconnect? What tips do you have for me?